What’s in a name?

No, this isn’t the mandala effect. I did used to be Laura Sanders.

Sanders was the last name of the man I married in 2008.

Although Mr. Sanders and I divorced in 2014, I kept the name.

The last ten years I’ve lived as a Sanders, still not really claiming my own identity.

This year there has been a tangible break. So, I chose a new name. As I wandered through the possibilities, mostly things like Rainbow Glitter, Unicorn Sparkles, Fairydust Wilson, Daffodil Skywalker, Heartsong Moonriver, etc, I eventually moved from more ethereal and child like names to nature based names. Something like River or Sunshine, or . . . Summer.

Then I realized which a hearty laugh that Buffy (of Buffy the Vampire Slayer)’s last name is Summers. It’s also the last name of 2 of the X men, who I would be proud to call brothers. (Well, Scott is kind of a douche, but I bet he would still be a great brother.) A superhero family? While I’m rewriting my story, I may as well give myself brothers and sisters with superpowers. Retroactive protection feels as supportive as any.

I think I’ve earned my spot as a Summers. I’ve had trials by fire (not unlike a Texas summer), and I am a sun chaser, a swimmer, and someone who looks to the light and basks in the late sunsets. While I was at it, I changed my middle name from Elaine to Elira. It means “to be free”.

And its strange there has a been a grief in this name change, a grief in letting go of identifying myself by my relationship to others. A sort of panic in choosing who I get to be now, with no one telling me who I am, or pulling my strings.

As I grow into my new name, which might take a little time, I get to uncover deeper levels of truth about myself. I get to sever ties with my stories, write new ones, and live life in a way that feels organic and peaceful to me, on my own terms.

I wonder if I can really be “Elira”. I wonder if I can be free from my past, the societal structures in place that ask women to be named solely by their fathers and lovers, and mostly I wonder who I will be when I am truly free.

More will be revealed.

In the meantime, I’ll leave you with a nod to a song from an old musical, “summertime, and the livin’s easy…”